there are certain feelings that i want to get across in the art things i make
there are certain feelings that i want to get across in the art things i make and i know how to get them across if i use the right format or tools
for example, there are certain feelings that i want to get across in the art things i make and i know i can get them across if i choose to make a film to get them across
it’s not that i know how to get across ANY feeling by making a film
it’s [just] that i know how to get across the feelings that i want to get across by making a film
there are certain feelings that i want to get across in the art things i make and i know i can do them all justice by making a film
$: s("clap(3,8)")
however, films take a really really long time to make
blog posts take a really really short time to make
so if there’s a certain feeling that i want to get across in the art things i make and i know i can only do it by making a film, then i find myself STUCK because i can’t express it well through the blah blah blah blah
$: s("bd*4")
there’s a certain feeling that i want to get across and i know that a blog post won’t do it justice. or at least, if i write that blog post then it won’t do it justice
not even a song or a poem or a performance could do it justice: i know this or at least i think i know my limits
it’s more than frustration i feel around this, it’s horror. i don’t think i can even convey the horror it brings me. perhaps that sounds silly but that horror is the main thing that motivates me to create things. some people ask me sometimes how i stay motivated to keep creating more and more things and i haven’t known what to say but in all honesty, i don’t need to think about it too much because the PURE HORROR of not creating those things scares me to my core. imagine not being able to express the things you need to express. don’t imagine too hard the horror of having no mouth but needing to scream but blah blah blah and yet again i can’t properly express the horror i feel at the inability to properly express the horror i feel.
$: s("crow")
one of the strongest emotions is LONGING. in my opinion, it’s the one of the most painful at its worst and most pleasurable at its best, often both ends happening at the same time.
i want to get across the longing i feel for various things. one of those things i long for is to be in a bubble, to be cut off from all the things around me. that might sound like escapism and yes it is. i think escapism is one of those things that is severely underrepresented in art, often because the art itself is the escapism.
but even when it is represented in art and conversation, escapism doesn’t get the respect i think it deserves. it’s more than wanting to avoid the problems around you: it’s longing to be cut free, to move on from trauma, to be reborn, to be innocent, to REJECT the horrors around you and crafting your own fate. it’s letting code die and writing your own
I barely touched on this longing in one video but there’s so much more to dig into. sometimes i offhandedly express this feeling and people have reacted badly, as if it’s a bad thing to feel, and i don’t think it is. there’s the common school of thought that you shouldn’t bubble yourself off. you should always be taking into account the context and history of what you’re doing: What you are doing is building on ancient practices passed down millennia: What you are doing is standing on the shoulders of giants. What you are doing is not new. Oh berd. There is no escaping the canon.
For sure, it can be good to take into account what comes before. The alternative can be far worse. I’ve seen many people complain about the tech bro world’s obsession with “newness” and “invention” and “the future” to the extent that it’s willfully ignorant of the past. But I don’t think it’s one or the other. Just because you’re not interested in the historical context of what you do, it doesn’t mean you’re interested with “newness” and “invention” and “the future”. In fact, it can be a joy to do things stupidly / completely ignorantly / with zero thought or consideration, and yes this might be a careless and irresponsible thing to do but Hell maybe that’s what we need sometimes too!
because sometimes I long to be free from the history of a world that doesn’t want me to exist. I can feel the trauma of thousands of years of anti-queer culture seeping through to this point / this moment that we’re at RIGHT NOW and i want to act independently of it. I think of the things going on in the world RIGHT NOW and I feel the horror of knowing how long it will take to recover if it ever does end, and I fear it won’t. I see the facial expressions of my Palestinian friends in the morning and I can only imagine the hateful weight they carry each day.
Can we switch off the world, just for a moment? I long to be in a bubble, not to run away, but for its oily membrane to slice through all the things that have me grappled, so that when it pops I can be untouched by them and free and at peace, so that I can do my best without all that baggage!!
World Let me be like Andy Dufresne! Let me crawl through a river of shit and come out clean on the other side!
back to the wikiblogardenite.