Most of the time, I forget that I’m non-binary. I don’t think it much, most of the time. It only comes into my head when I experience something bad, it turns out. An unpleasant experience going to the loo in a public venue.. or someone being awful to me over the internet or in person, sometimes knowingly awful sometimes not.. These are the moments that I remember that I am non-binary.
At work I don’t think about it anymore: I am who I am. With friends: Friends have given up on knowing which gender I am. Non-binaryhood has been achieved.
As part of the London scene here: I’m the loud face / loud host of a handful of London events like the Feeling of Computing (formerly Future of Coding) and London Creative Coding and London Live? Coding? and people thank me for organising some these events despite the fact that I don’t. Either way I sometimes wonder what it means for these events to have a non-binary person fronting them.
I mean, I reckon some people don’t even know or notice. Many must take a look at me and think “that’s a funny looking bloke” and I for sure get called a lot of “man” and “dude” and “bro” and “mate” and this is okay because I use any pronoun. I also get called “she” and “her” a lot by people who maybe think I’m trying to pass as something or other and this is okay because I use any pronoun. I would say that it’s men who call me “he” mostly, and women who call me “she” mostly. But to be honest, the vast majority of people call me “they” and this is all okay because I use any pronoun.
I would be lying if I didn’t say there have been a few times where I’ve made myself a little bit more feminine for some reason or other: maybe to fit in more or maybe to influence the vibes of the events in some way. But that was a long time ago. Nowadays I stay true to myself which usually means I present a bit more masculiny in my own way.
I’ve never felt at home in trans-only spaces. I think it’s because of the non-binary-erasure I experience in those hyper-binary environments. And yes still, the vast majority of in-person enbyphobia I’ve received over the past year has been from other trans people, believe it or not. I’ve sometimes bitten my lip and taken it while telling myself, “They’re going on a journey themselves”, “They’re dealing with some things” or “They’re working out who they are”. And then there are times where I’ve lost it and told them how much of a shit they’re being to me, and I’ve made people feel small over it and I’ve almost lost friends over it. And to be honest, it’s the former cases that I end up regretting the most… I’m talking about in-person interactions here.
As I watch my he/they she/they friends gradually turn into he/him and she/her… I tend to feel quite alone in trans spaces: No more or less than in any cis spaces. Maybe it’s different in different parts of the world.
Yes, In whatever space I’m in, I feel like an outsider. Ironically, this might be the universal experience. Everyone is unique in their own way: Everyone is an outsider in their own way. And there are many ways in which I’m privileged and I do (fortunately) (unfortunately) fit in: I’m white, I’m middle classed, etc…
But “being non-binary” is the main way that I don’t fit in, and this plays as an interesting dynamic for me as every community inevitably has those “how do we achieve the right gender balance?” questions.
There’s an aspect where I feel like an imposter in those conversations. Like “maybe I count as a man in those calculations” but I’m quite good at shutting up that voice in my head nowadays.
There’s an aspect where I get to feel like a completely neutral party on the matter. The topic / Interventions on gender balance don’t affect me in any way / positively or negatively, so I feel a sense of privilege and responsibility to get involved and act freely and try to help make things better.
(Well I mean, gender balance interventions do affect me and everyone positively, but you know what I mean: They don’t directly impact my level of involvement as much as they do for binary people)
There’s also a certain privilege in “looking a bit funny” or “looking a bit odd”: In getting 50% sir/madamed, I get a bit more attention and eyeballs on me: I get to surprise people a bit: I get a bit of a stage and I use it
I really love the London live? coding? scene. I feel very at home there: I feel very welcomed and safe. Weirdness and scrappiness and “badness” is embraced, so I always feel comfortable in whatever state I’m in: Stubble or not, voice or not, mens loo or not. And there’s uncertainty built into the scene, with all our questions marks that we use. We do live? coding? because we don’t claim to know what live coding means and we don’t have to. We also don’t know what gender Lu or Luke is and we also don’t have to
In a world that wants answers, the largest technological change of the 21st century introduced a machine that always answers differently / that always answers wrong and the cunts running the world seem to have no problem with that but they do seem to have a problem with ME. they can’t seem to deal with ME? and MY UNCERTAINTY?
okay now it’s time to go lie down in the sand and die (just kidding)
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