writing’s so annoying because english is [just] not how my brain works i swear to god i have at least three conversations happening simultaneously up there i cant even describe it like this it doesnt do it justice sometimes i’ve been able to represent it with these on-off poems i write like that one in the algorave blog post i did but its a pathetic imitation of the real thing

a single string of words
is the format we use to debate and converse about EVERYTHING despite it being so lacking / limiting / if your only tool is a hammer then everything looks like a nail / if your only tool is a word then everything looks like a [–]

this is why i don’t put much meaning into words because once you do that it sends you down a dark atomic path where everything is a discrete thing every word has a start and an end and there are clear gaps between the words even speech gives a little bit more room for    pausing    and spacing out     your words       and speechlets youmergethemtogether and and break the uh

five conversations even, all at once, it’s really a lot sometimes but i also think / i don’t know for sure how other people experience their thoughts but i’m growing to understand it’s not the same as my— writing is one way i can shut it all up. i write down words and the five or more voices shut up and turn into one this is good but it also means all the wonder of having these bouncing around [—] is gone it used to scare me for sure and yeah hey maybe one day i’ll snap and it’ll all come crumbling down and i’ll think maybe i shouldhave donesomething about it but for now

to think in one [—] must be so bad you can’t even [—] but it must be so calm also i have such a problem of talking over people when they’re talking because i can speak and listen at the same time and i have to continually remind myself that (most) other people can’t i learnt you can count down from ten to zero and once you get to zero you can pretty much do any task you know you want to be doing but you cant change direction with enough gusto to— it feels like inertia, like i’m a big freighter ship trying to turn direction or stop or start it takes a long long time and sometimes it takes so much time that often it takes so much time that you get distracted by something else see my attention can be all over the place but my working memory can’t store it all in at the same time so it gets very overwhelming and scary and stressful and annoying

but so i can’t rely on— i operate best when i’m doing less with the actual crystallised words and more with feeling and muscle memory and what— letting me get taken places by myself. i know that i see / feel links / connections that other people dont and i’m not afraid to go outside my remit / [—] and that’s a great skill to have but sometimes you just gotta knuckle down and do one thing or one and a half things max at the same time

i was supposed to book an appointment to see if i have ADHD a long time ago, twice, after i did the survey twice officially recommended / that the NHS tells you to do and both times it’s like “GO TO YOUR GP YOU MUST YOU ARE 99% CHANCE You got but then after failing to do that for a long time i realised i can at the very least learn some strategies in the meantime like the counting one i mentioned above and it kinda transformed my life and so you see the thing with pastagang is—

words dont work. they lock us into a model of the world that isn’t true. it’s a lie! and this lie works for like 90% of cases i reckon, but that final 10% it fails so hard at and it’s tragic. like gender, our words are 90% accurate. but 10% accura— it doesnt work. and the way we think of— words make us think of the world as a bunch of video game engine entities: there’s a dog, there’s a cat, there’s a person, there’s me. it sets us all up as rigid bodies. but that’s not true, we’re obviously— we all know it’s not true, we’re made of smushed up poweder and bits of us are constantly falling off / coming in / there’s a very thin line between me and the air around me and you, much thinner than words would let you believe

and concepts too, truth false right wrong are much fuzzier things than words would have you believe, obviously, obviously because everyone knows this…. but does everyone know this??? as in… KNOW know this? do you really KNOW and FEEL this? in a world where everyone obsesses over the exact wordings of people’s words instead of really listening and really feeling… do you HEAR me? i dont mean [j— I mean do you REALLY HEAR ME? do you FEEL ME?

DON’T HIDE
BEHIND WORDS
DON’T LET THEM HIDE YOU EITHER
IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE
IT DOESN’T HAVE TO
IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO

 so yeah maybe i’m [just] crazy or maybe i’m not what i know is back to the wikiblogardenite